Appropriate Discussions With Your Bishop

So for the first time with this blog I’m going to talk openly about an LDS church policy/traditional/cultural norm.  I hope this isn’t too off putting for some of you. Sunday in church I was part of a discussion of the appropriateness of certain discussions between kids and their Bishop.

Sunday School

The Sunday School lesson we were having led to a discussion on families and raising kids.   Then we went into protecting kids from sexuality and such.   It was kind of a discussion on how parents are responsible for teaching them VS. “it takes a village” mentality.

One man spoke up and said his bit about how we need to not assume kids aren’t hearing or talking about sexual activities.  How Bishops have stopped asking IF they’ve seen porn, but rather asking what porn they’ve seen – they now assume everyone has seen it from somewhere.

Then he kind of generalized that we need to be discussing with kids the same things that they are hearing about from friends or media (movies/music/etc).   He didn’t say it this way, but what that means is if they are hearing about “blow jobs” (or oral/anal sex, condoms, masturbation, etc) at school, then parents or leaders need to be able to use the term and talk about it with them.   He didn’t use these terms in church, but that is what I believe he was trying to say.

STOP GENERALIZING!

And I agree with him.   The LDS church has a cultural history of generalizing about sex and not really speaking to kids about these issues.   I’m not sure if a leader ever used the term “sex” when I was growing up, instead they’d just generalize and say things like “keep yourself clean” or “obey the law of chastity.”   There was no specifics about anything.

I don’t know if my leaders were embarrassed, or just naïve.   But that lack of detail meant I was naïve as well until I experienced things for myself or had them described by classmates.   That is poor preparation indeed.

Don’t believe me?  Studies say that 80% of young kids don’t think of oral sex as “sex” at all.   So if you aren’t specific with them, what do they know? Is “petting” such an obvious term that you think you don’t need to describe what that means?  In a kids mind they could still be living the law of chastity and also regularly pleasuring their “partner”.   That is a problem.   We need parents AND leaders who can have these discussions with kids and tell them what is and isn’t acceptable.

Youth based magazines are publishing articles about explicit sexual acts (This Teen Vogue article for instance).  As much as I love and support the ideal, our response can’t simply be “be virtuous.”

Bishops Interview

Back to Sunday School.  After the one gentleman said his bit, another man spoke in an effort to agree that we can’t be vague with kids, only he went further.  He said something along the lines of this:

Now days you even have pushback against Bishops. They say that Bishops shouldn’t be asking about specific sexual acts, saying that Bishops shouldn’t talk about that in interviews, but only be very basic. But that’s their job!

To this I couldn’t disagree more.  I didn’t even raise my hand but just jumped in saying something along the lines of this:

I’m going to push back on that. My oldest is a 15 yr old girl. There is no way any middle aged man should be having sexually explicit discussions with her. In groups, fine. More explicit discussions, fine. But one on one? No way. Aside from asking about the law of chastity, no man should be questioning my daughter about explicit sexual acts.

Group vs One on One

While I think we DO need to be specific with our youth, and talk to them using the same terms they hear elsewhere, I don’t think it should be in one on one settings between youth and unrelated adults.   Meaning a parent is fine one on one with their kid, but any other leader/adult better be in a group setting.  Any church leader better be in a group if they are going to talk about explicit things like masturbation, anal/oral sex, intercourse, etc.

But what about worthiness interviews?  Well, a Bishop needs to ask if they obey the law of chastity.  That is part of their job.  But questioning about specifics beyond that should be left out.  If the kids answers yes, they live the law, then move on.  If the Bishop is concerned for some reason that the youth might not realize what constitutes violation of this, then it better be explained in a group.  When a youth answers no, they aren’t living the law of chastity, have a plan to involve someone else, preferably a parent.

I would totally support any Bishop who had a group event and told all of his youth, “When I ask ‘Do you live the law of chastity?’ I don’t simply mean ‘sex’ in the traditional sense.” and then went on to talk about the various other activities that would be chastity violations.  Be blunt. Say things like, “Anal sex qualifies as sex, and needs to be confessed.”  If we can assume they are encountering porn, we can assume they are hearing sexual terms that we MUST be prepared to talk about and give guidance about.

Parental Involvement

Also set another expection as well.  Tell them, as a group, that if they come in to talk to you as the Bishop, answer No to the law of chastity question, and start confessing a sexually explicit event, then you are going to stop them and ask for permission to bring their parents in.   There is no reason not to, other than being afraid a parent will be abusive upon finding out, and then that should be known and dealt with too! But get permission for someone else to be there, another Bishop or the SP if necessary, but don’t be alone!

There is no reason that confessions MUST be one on one!  None.  A confessor can have anyone with them.  A parent, a leader, a friend.  Anyone who helps them feel better and safer.   The parents are going to be a youth’s best support moving forward anyway, so ASK to get them involved.   If the kid refuses, fine, but TRY!

All explicit questioning for a simple worthiness interview should be off limits. Under no circumstances should a Bishop ask searching questions about explicit sexual activity from a youth on a one on one basis.

Outside the Norm

I know that this is outside the normal cultural happenings in LDS circles.  But I don’t think I’m wrong.  It should be easy to see that middle aged men should NOT be asking young girls explicitly sexual questions in settings where they are alone together.   Give training and set expectations in a group, where kids are with their peers, and then when alone simply ask if they are following those guidelines already set out.

I recently read a harrowing account of an interview held very poorly.

“when will the Church finally stop having young women and young men face middle-aged or older men in private rooms for interviews about their sex lives? My youngest daughter refuses to go into a Bishop’s interview with our current Bishop because his questions were so intrusive.

In her last interview with him, he asked her “Do you keep the law of chastity? My daughter answered in the affirmative. He then asked follow-up questions about female masturbation, oral sex, etc. She felt cornered and trapped. She thought he was accusing her of those actions, that he did not believe her initial answer. It was days before I found out, she was depressed for days before she finally confided in her mother and myself.”

I concur with his conclusion as well, “That form of interview is a form of sexual assault.”  The type of probing questions asked as follow up are totally inappropriate as given in this account.

I don’t know if you all agree, but now you have my take on the matter.

Take-Aways

Get over the ridiculous notion that confessions need to be private one on one things… they don’t!  Have another person there.  A parent would be ideal.  Don’t go into sexual details alone.

Be blunt, specific, and to the point, but do it in groups.  Private settings between adult men and teenage girls isn’t the setting for talks about sex.

Be adult enough to have the discussions with all youth AND their parents.  Set good expectations and boundaries so kids know what path any confession will follow.

Be open and truthful.  There is no room for shyness or embarrassment in these discussions.  These youth are becoming adults, show them how to have an adult conversation about adult topics while maintaining respect and worthiness.  Model adult behavior.

 

Your thoughts?

 


Follow Up

 

Julie proof read this and brought to my attention that she has seen a petition going around asking the church to end these interviews all together.   I assume that is what the gentleman I referred to was talking about when he said there is pushback against Bishops.   I didn’t know about the petition, and therefore haven’t read the petition nor know if I agree with it.

It is a Bishop’s duty to ascertain the worthiness of his members, including the youth.  It can’t be scrapped, but it can be improved.  We are wrong to suppose that it must be done one on one.  It doesn’t.  Repentence doesn’t require it at all.  The interviews must take place, but when it is known, or becomes known, that sexual activity is going to be discussed there is no reason another person (agreeable to the confessor) can’t be brought in.

PTSD and Church Attendence

My journey for mental wellness continues.  Ever since I was a young boy, church attendance has been a consistent part of my life.  Except when illness, pain, or military duty kept me away, I’ve attended every week.   I don’t remember a time when I didn’t go simply because I didn’t want to go.

PTSD and Church Attendance

I didn’t go today though.  Not because I didn’t want to, but because I don’t feel up to it.  Though not what you would normally think of when I say “illness,” my mental state (mental illness) kept me home today.   This has happened before, but today is easier for me to explain why.  Hopefully it is easier for some to understand.

With my PTSD I will often find myself having a moment of panic about the “what if’s” of a certain location.  It’s happened at football games, restaurants,  choir concerts, Thanksgiving Point, anywhere and everywhere, even at church.

What if a gunman comes running through that door? What if a car starts running people over? What if that bus explodes?  What if someone grabs one of the kids?  What if some kids come through with knives? What if… ? What if… ?  What if…?

Logic/Reason

My own thought processes tell me those thing won’t happen.  Or at least that the odds of them happening are so small that I shouldn’t be bothered by them at all.   The same thoughts that YOU have about these things are usually what I have too.  But sometimes the PTSD is stronger than that, and reason goes out the window.

Last Sunday

But sometimes those things DO happen.  The attacks with knives, cars, guns, bombs… those do happen at times, and so it makes me even more prone to the moments of panic.

And last week it did again.   I assume if you are reading this that you know about the shooting at the Texas church house.   26 dead, countless affected.  Families torn asunder.   Unimaginable pain and grief.

Because of the regularity with which I’m at church services (where as I’m almost never in restaurants or football games), church is one of the more common panic inducing thoughts/locations that I have.   So when it does happen in real life, even if its a thousand miles away, I’m not really in a good mental position to head back to my own church house.

Vulnerability

After a night filled with more nightmares, I made the conscious decision not to go to church today.   I don’t ever “know” when a moment of panic will occur, but for some reason I just felt more vulnerable than normal today.  Is that excusable?   Does that make me less faithful of a Christian?  Will my friends think less of me for admitting it?  Is it as acceptable to stay home because of mental illness as it is for a physical illness?   Would you judge me more harshly (in your opinion of me) for this slip in my church attendance?

 

Goodbye PG 4th Ward

It is time to say “goodbye.”

Goodbye

Julie and I will be moving this week from her parents house in Pleasant Grove (PG) into my parents house in Bluffdale.  That means that today was our last Sunday attending as members of the PG 4th ward.

We haven’t been here particularly long (9 months) but you have been good to us.  You weren’t even our “home ward” for our house fire, but you took us in and tried to care for us.

Thank you!  It has been nice to get to know so many new people.  It was also nice to reconnect with old friends.  You have been kind and welcoming to us and we appreciate it.  You have been a blessing in our lives, and especially in the lives of our kids.  Again, thank you!

Hello

We are eagerly looking forward to getting into the new ward.  There are many faces there that I have known for many years.  It will be nice to get reacquainted with so many of them again as well.   Since this is going to be a long-term/permanent location for us we hope the kids will find and make wonderful friends in Bluffdale.

We should be moving in sometime this week.  SO… if you are reading this as a Bluffdalian (?) (Bluffdalite, Bluffer, Bluffdalasoraus??) you can count on seeing us or our kids around the neighborhood.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

🙂

A Genuine Smile

Bluffdale 1st Ward

The Jensens attended church today with the Bluffdale 1st ward.  That is the ward that I grew up in and will be attending again once we move.  It was quite nice to see the large number of people that are still there from when I was a little boy.

We attended there today (and hopefully will often) so that the kids can try to make some friends before school starts.  It would be nice for them to already know people on their first day so that they can fit in just a little bit easier.  So we took the drive from PG to Bluffdale so that they could have that opportunity.

I am sure that only a few know we are moving in, and fewer knew we would be attending services with them today.   So they were not expecting us.  That set the stage for two nice experiences for me (or perhaps for the same nice experiment twice?).

A Genuine Smile

Twice today, I passed someone who was an adult in the ward while I was growing up, and I said, “Hello ______” and called them by their first name.  Both times this person replied, “Hello” in a kind but unfamiliar way and started to move on.  But when I extended my hand to shake, they took a moment and really looked at me.

Both of these fine gentlemen then flashed a genuine smile and said something close to “Oh! Hi Richard.  It’s so good to see you. How have you been?”   While they were polite and cordial with me when they thought we were strangers, when they realized that they knew me, their behavior changed to reflect genuine affection.

Rarity

This was a rarity for me.  The only time I ever get that kind of ‘brotherly kindness’ shown to me from someone outside my household is one particular saint of a man in Missouri.  I don’t know if or when I’ll see him again.  And I am bereft of friends here in Utah.  So just this simple extension of recognition and a genuine smile felt good to someone for whom it rarely happens.

Since my Army days I’m more cantankerous and introverted.  I don’t expect to make many new friends (and all my efforts so far seem to have failed).   There isn’t a whole lot about me to like or to want to spend time with.  But these two men knew me before.  They knew me when I was young, healthy, and energetic.   I’d like to think they remember me as someone who smiled and was outgoing, instead of someone who grimaced or scowled.  They know me as I used to be; and how I would wish to be again someday.  They remember a version of me I like.  They were happy to see me, which isn’t something that ever happens to me any more.

So it was small and simple – a genuine smile.  By now they probably don’t even remember it and it probably meant nothing to them.  But the encounters were meaningful to me.  They uplifted me today.  And for that I am grateful.

Examining My Motivation

This question was asked  during church this week… “What motivates you?”  I was able to sit through about 10 minutes of discussion before JR started fussing.  He was loud enough that I needed to leave so that he didn’t bother the rest of the class.   So I sat with him in the hall and thought about that singular question… what is my motivation?

Searching for Motivation

The first answer that came to mind to me is “I have no motivation.”   I didn’t share this with the class, but kept it to myself.   I do find it very hard much of the time to find motivation to do anything.  I’m in a depressed mood much of the time.

Even when I have the desire to get up and do something, quite often the chronic pain is there to change my mind.  I want to get up and be outside doing things, but knowing they are going to hurt while doing them AND continue hurting long after I’ve stopped makes it extremely difficult to do much at all.

Fear of pain

But that means that I am motivated to stay docile because of fear of pain.  Having many times experienced headaches so bad that they leave me vomiting or blacked out, I find pain avoidance to be highly motivating.

Now, because I know that continuing to gain weight will also cause more pain, I do find motivation to do what I can.  Even 8 years after being medically discharged I am still trying to find the threshold between activity and pain.   The same fear of pain that sucks motivation from me, also makes me want to get up and do what I can so that I don’t get worse.  It is a balancing act that I often feel I am failing at.

Love of family

Love for my family is the one thing that consistently overcome my fear of pain.  I will do what NEEDS to be done for them even if I know it will be painful.  Right now this is happening with getting my parents house cleaned out.  We NEED a permanent place to live.  Every day I wake up stiff, sore, and nauseated from pain.   But the clock is ticking toward start of the next school year, so I get up and get moving.

Before this though there were many days when I probably would have stayed in bed all day.  Or if I did get up, I wouldn’t go anywhere as I hate being in public.  If it weren’t that Julie hates this and it makes her feel bad, then I’d never leave the house.

But making Julie happy and wanting to see the kids is enough to get me out of bed and dressed.  It’s really been the only thing getting me to church for years.  Don’t misunderstand,  I love my church.  I have a deep and abiding faith in Christ.   But the pain and PTSD would be enough to keep me from attending except that Julie wants me there with the family.   So I go, for love of the family.

Other motivation?

I don’t know if I can come up with another one.  I don’t do much pleasure seeking, I don’t care about money, I’d rather not be famous.  While at Fort Huachuca I lost the will to live, and am only still here today because of my love for Julie and the kids.   There are occasionally things I would like to do, but they all largely go unfulfilled for reasons previously discussed.   And even when I do something that I “want to do” it is largely unsatisfying.

I have good moments of laughter and love, but am largely unmotivated toward anything in particular.   My decision making paradigm can basically be boiled down to pain avoidance and love of family.

I’d love to hear… what motivates you?


Andrew with his puppy
Andrew circa 2015 with our Great Pyrenees puppy ‘Chief’