Pain sucks.   Chronic pain sucks too.   I’m so sick of the constant pain.

This Morning

This morning was one of those days were I woke up and just moaned in agony at the thought of getting up.   Eventually had to though, but could only crawl into the bathroom.  After crawling back to my room I was able to get into my shorts and T-shirt (easiest things to put on for me, which is why I am always wearing them).

I desperately needed some pain medication, but it was down stairs.  Couldn’t walk down them though.  Sat down and slowly slid down one stair at a time.  Got to the bottom with a headache that was just pounding.  I managed to make it outside onto the deck before the vomit came up, an all too common symptom of the pain for me.

Debilitating

It is indescribably hard to function like this.  My back hurts, my head is pounding, my stomach is nauseated because of it, my mood is terrible, and I feel more helpless than my baby.  Normal function isn’t going to happen today I’m afraid.

I’m only typing this up because I need to feel like I can do something today.  I’m typing about this topic because the pain is the only thing I can focus on.  I can only type about one sentence at a time and then I have my head in my hands trying to control the pounding inside.  It’s miserable!

I’m just so sick of needed help to dress.  I’m tired of needing Julie to help me shower because I can’t bend or twist to clean myself.  Using my cane to walk makes me feel about 20 years older than I am (still not even 40!).  I desperately want to be able to play with my kids like I used to do.  I dropped something the other day while standing and just stared at it for a few seconds deciding if it was worth the effort or risk to try to pick it up.  One flight of stairs shouldn’t leave me out of breath and my heart racing.  I’m tired of it all!

Chronic Pain and Mood

It is the constant pain that creates the deepest depression for me.   The thought that I’ll live the rest of my life like this is terrifying.  During these period of extreme suffering the most comforting thought I have is that perhaps it won’t be a long life.   It’s terrible to say, but that is the thought I have.

Thankfully these really painful periods do pass.  I do have times were the pain is minimal.   I can’t remember the last day when I had NO discomfort though.  It’s always there, lurking in the background.  It is strong enough to catch my attention and distract from activities.  It always has me on the edge of terror, worried that at any moment I could be hit with this severe, intense pain.

Honestly, would you want to live a long life like this?

Good Times

As I said, it isn’t all bad all the time.  There are good days.  Even on mediocre days I am sometimes able to do small things and moderate activities.  And if the pain isn’t too severe than there are some things I can do.  It always hurts to do them, sure, but I can’t do nothing all the time.  I need to at least try to live life.

Weight Gain

I know my back would hurt less if I lost weight.  I don’t know how to do that though.  The weight makes me hurt, the hurting makes me depressed, I eat when depressed and to distract from the pain, and I gain more weight because I eat too much.   Brutal cycle!

I recognize the stupidity in what I’m eating and getting into that cycle.  I’ve adamantly resolved to stop it so many times that even though I feel adamant about it now I have no confidence that I can/will follow through.  Having failed so many times I expect that to be the outcome of any weight loss attempts.  So why try again when failure seems inevitable?

I simultaneously have two visions of my future.  In one of them I’ve followed through with determination to lose weight and reduce the pain; I’m fit, able to function, and happy.   In the other I’ve given up entirely, continued to balloon, am a total invalid and unable to care for myself, and die far too young for someone who was as athletic and healthy as I was just a short few years ago.

I have no fancy conclusion or lessons to be learned… I just hate being in pain.   That is all!!

Carry on!