It’s been a rough week.
Lots of tears and heartache. Lots of depression. Nightmares were running rampant and veering into the violent (as previously explained). It included more than one emotional breakdown, an emergency meeting with my VA mental health therapist, several follow up visits, and a review of my crisis management plan (don’t worry Mom, I’m fine!).
Julie of course is an angel. While I am navigating a turbulent ocean, being violently tossed to and fro, she is the lighthouse that casts out the light of Christ leading me to a safe harbor.
It doesn’t help that she hurts from my pain. My sole objective has always been to keep her from hurt and pain, and so for years I’ve told her “I’m fine” when I really wasn’t. I didn’t want her to feel my pain, or to think that she in any way caused it, so I tried to hide it for years. Now that I’m becoming more ready to face it and deal with it, it still hurts me to see the pain she feels on my behalf. I still want to shield her from that, but I know that it only leads to more heartache in the long run.
So we’re dealing with it. We’ve had lots of heart-to-hearts. And lots of tears. Telling her the truth after all this time about events at Huachuca or about my real mental state is hard. But I’m not shying away from it. It is too important to me to get better in the long-run so that I can stop causing all this heartache all together.
But today is a good day. After all the mental readjustments to life, we are finding a new normal, a new comfortable, and finding happiness in the spaces in between. And we are working together to face the difficult roads ahead. We both anticipate more down days with plenty of tears, but we’re hopeful that in the end we’ll be stronger and happier. We’re hopeful that in time the good days will outnumber the bad.
Hope you all are doing well. As always, encouragement is welcome!!
As the saying goes Richard, ‘…it is darkest just before the Dawn…” and in order to face what you have tried so hard to protect Julie and yourself from, it is difficult to talk about it, work through feelings and memories. You will both be stronger…I used to tell people that I have emotional stretch marks while working through my personal trauma. Being human on this Earth is like being precious metal in the refiner’s fire…we are being shaped, molded, made whole by the choices we make to be better as a person, spiritual, emotional and physical. Change is sometimes painful. The Chinese have one word for: change, loss, opportunity and pain. Hopefully you will always be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel of darkness and you will be stronger, have a stronger testimony and faith that God WILL see you through this trial. When someone tells me of their trials, I empathize with them and then ask them, “…and, what have you learned?” It is important when wrestling with personal demons to learn important lessons along the way. Just remember; the most important thing we will learn while in this earthly life is to love unselfishly, as Christ does. That is the goal. Keep the faith, my friend, and know that God is in charge. You can make the positive and loving choices…you have the courage. May God bless you and your family. We miss your sweet spirits. Ellie
You keep telling me “you’re fine”, but I know you’re having a hard time. As a mother, I wish I could take it all upon myself and make it all go away for you, but I can’t.
I kind of laughed at the fact I told you “I’m fine” but then later on say how I’ve been saying that as a lie to Julie for years. Irony? Maybe. Love you mom… are you back from AZ?
If you are still looking for a therapy dog, look up “4paws for Veterans” on the web. They may be able to help you get one.
I’m glad to hear that you are able to open up to Julie. She is you’re “helpmeet” that you have chosen for eternity. She loves you dearly and will always be there for you.