When I was a Realtor I always considered it my primary task to remove as much stress from my clients as I possibly could. Why? Because studies showed that moving created stress near the levels of having a loved one die, or going through a divorce.
I think Julie would have happily taken either of those options yesterday. Instead, she got to move into her “In-Laws” house (cue creepy horror music).
Stressed Out
It was not nearly as hard for her to move into her parents house. It was a house she was familiar with, it was her parents instead of mine, and mostly because she knew it was a temporary home.
This time things are different. This time the house is new to her. She hasn’t lived here before, she doesn’t have a history of where things have been located in the house, she doesn’t have childhood memories there, there isn’t as much finished space, and other such reasons make this much harder emotionally for her.
And the owners of the house are new. The household ‘norms’ are different. She is trying to be more cautious about ‘stepping on toes’ since she hasn’t lived with my parents before. She’s feeling very self-conscious about changing the way things have been done before, in a house she doesn’t feel is “hers” yet. She doesn’t want to hurt feelings and has to think about more than she did while living with her parents.
And this is a permanent move. Rather than going to her parents just temporarily and knowing she’ll get out of there again, she knows this move is not. That she won’t be leaving here anytime soon. That is hard. This isn’t where we ‘want’ to be. If we had a magic wand to wave and choose where to live, it wouldn’t be here. We’re here because of circumstances; not because it is our lifelong dream to move in with my parents (Sorry Mom).
The knowledge that this is a permanent (or at least very long term) is stressful, especially for Julie. It’s not easy on me, but I feel really terribly bad for my sweetheart.
“It’s Fine”
We have a running joke where when we aren’t really happy about something we just tell each other “It’s fine! It’s fine!” with a certain emphasis that tells the other that we’re jokingly not thrilled. Julie keeps telling me that “It’s fine’ but without that emphasis.
She says it’s fine, but she is lying. I caught her crying yesterday while trying to move in. The stress of trying to organize ourselves into a house with people already living in it was winning the day. I held her and told her things would get better. That little by little it will feel more like home, and that she is welcome to make it her home.
And today is a better day. She is more carefree and happy. It’s will be a roller coaster of ups and downs, but I’m sure it will trend toward happiness.
She really will be fine. She is amazingly strong and resilient. And she’s been through worse. Afterall, she did move me into an unfinished home, in December, with no insulation, no internal plumbing, no walls, no electricity, and no flooring (concrete and plywood was all), and she considers it a great memory.
We’ll be fine and things will work out. Hopefully without the Death and Divorce involved.
But if you see Julie, and feel inclined, please pass on your encouragement and love. She might need them more than usual over the next few weeks.
And please forgive her if I’m wrong and she strangles me in my sleep. Even I would understand! 🙂